Dear Cooper

I cannot love anyone else.
i really can't.
three years later.
i can't even love my family
or my friends.
seeing how i'm the one who ended it,
i shouldn't be the one complaining.
I've only called one person my "boyfriend" in the past three years, and even that was for a week, and i didn't really mean it.
I love you.
I don't know how else to say it
i was young and naive.
but i meant it every single time i told you i loved you
and i still do.
maybe i can still live because i know you're happy.
and with the faint hope that sometime down the road.
you'll care about me again like you used to.
there's only that tiny chance.
but really.
it's what keeps me going.
i could see "the perfect boy"
everything i want.
in fact i have. twice.
and i completely passed it up.
because they weren't perfect to me.
no one will ever be more perfect than you.
being thirteen
lying on the patio. watching the airplanes.
i can't even look at the sky at night without tearing up
because i remember you
and it just hurts too bad.
Since 3 days after we broke up.
i've wanted you back.
three years later.
it still hurts as clear as the day you left.
some say i'm jaded to being a teenager.
but, i just know what i want.
and i'm not content "trying out" other people
it's not fair to them
and it just hurts me.
i could stare into the eyes of leonardo dicaprio,
and walk away.
because even he would never measure up to you.
it hurts even worse
because we're still friends.
and i just want to talk to you about it
but i'm so paranoid of alienating you that i would never chance it
i read your letters all the time.
i want to read them everyday,
but i won't let me hurt myself like that.
it hurts the worst
because i read what you said like
"I really want this to work out, but i just feel like you don't"
and it kills me.
every time.
i could recite those from memory.
but the words cut me just as deep everytime.

i love you cooper augustus loughlin.
always have.
always will.